i simply don't care

the state of the world doesn't interest me at all today
i don't care what is happening out there
the pain in my heart is so heavy i can hardly breathe...
to lose a child
is more painful than giving birth to him...

collecting anger

i hadn't noticed that all along,
i've been walking around with this,
in fact i have been afraid to name "this"...
until that day, we sat and talked..
i hadn't noticed that the tears were there
...
i am ready to point to it.
this heaviness that's been exhausting my bones.
it was nothing you said that had me weeping,
it was all mine...
this...
it's everywhere..
i can't find my peace...

continuing the madness

for as long as i can remember,
my father has always been this strong, quiet presence in my life.
reliable and just there...
our relationship isn't what i would call close...
but we are at the same time...
he'd dispensed advice (even when not to ask for it)
at the right times...
or at times when i simply didn't want to hear that a certain friend isn't good for me
or if a man isn't good enough for me...
the one thing that has always made him so reliable, now that i think about it,
is that he has always been of sound mind...
his memory has started deteriorating
there are days when he doesn't even remember who i am..
i see that he gets frustrated with himself, because he knows there is something wrong but he just can't recall what it is..
this has been difficult for me to accept...
not only has it meant that i have had to adjust my life so that i can be around him..
he is just not my old, reliable dad
he now needs me...
i don't know how to be there for him without being angry,
without taking it personally when he is so frustrated and lashes out at me, this strange person who lives in his house...
it's the little things that get me...
trying to live in a way that won't remind him of this "problem"... that he can no longer rely on himself...
that he needs me more than i need him... and mostly that he can't give me as much as he would like...
i watch him sleep and pray that he will be released from his body and mind...

accepting/accept/acceptance

the word (s) for today: accept/accepting/acceptance.
often accepting is seen as a weakness
but from now on,
i vow to embrace it
tie it around my chest.
why?
i am learning that to accept means letting go,
being ok with the fact that
i am making mistakes, colossal ones, at times
but that's life isn't it?
i make mistakes as a mother
i make mistakes as a daughter
i make mistakes as a sister
i make mistakes as an aunt
i've made mistakes as a lover
and in so many other roles that define me,
i have made bad judgements
i have also done good
and i should accept the credit that's due...
in my accepting, i confirm to myself
that i agree, that i take ownership of the direction my life is taking....

midnight at the oasis

wow, man...
there are so many memories from way back way
linked to all this good (according to me) music....
bumping to The Brand New Heavies!
am definitely no slave to one genre...
though i will confess to being a captive to the beat...
bring it all on!!!

dotty

feeling a bit silly today...
decided to change the walls of this blog... very nice and very free (literally, you don't have to pay anything to change a template)...i like free stuff... who doesn't?
ok i probably should be working right now,
my work-in-progress tray is not going to empty itself, right?
.... ja well, spewing propaganda upon unsuspecting members keeps me awake at night...
messing with my personal mores (is that even a word)... can't reach for my wordbook..
ah well... that's what i signed up for and that's what i get paid to do...
the joys of peddling our souls for cash... there must be a name for that...
but still here i am... pondering the meaning of life....
bit cliched, but hey who's looking? i'm only trying to stick to my word... writing many words at a time....

giving up

i suppose when you have said everything about a certain situation, silence becomes the only plausible option at some point.
this has been gnawing at me for a long, long time...
i have tossed it around my head many, many times...
and still nothing....
now i have decided to let it go...
set myself free...
i find that i'm not sad about it...
it's as if my whole physical being has been waiting for my heart to catch up...
the exhaustion had been seeping through...
dripping on everything...
now it's quiet...
still...

sleeping under the same sky

got very excited at the prospect of seeing you
when we did finally meet
it wasn't all tears as i had expected.
only a hint of excitement...
felt strange yet familiar at the same time.
hours passed...
days passed...
i felt your skin against mine,
your breath against my back while you slept...
reminded me of days gone by...
when it was time for us to part,
once again i waited for tears
but they didn't come...
i head home with a heavy heart...
knowing that thoughts of you will haunt me till we meet again...