survivaltechniques

well being a survivor
is truly overrated,
if you ask me(i know you didn't but still, i'm sharing that anyway).
it's a vain attempt to show the world our supposed strength.
that i-can-beat-anything, false bravado.
what does it even mean to survive?
who determines the degree of resilience?
heck, i've been through somethings
and most of the time, i like to fool myself into believing that i have successfully
survived those trying times.
how do i explain to myself
those moments when i simply cannot get up in the morning?
those moments when i simply do not have the strength to enjoy the sunshine?
does that mean i'm not surviving?
is that a sign of weakness?
when your body is so consumed with this mind-pain that is unbearably huge and seems insurmountable..
so really, what does being a survivor mean?
is there a badge one gets to show the world that i have "survived"?
i may walk with my head held high
and laugh with the world
does that mean i have survived?
i've never been a victim of sexual abuse as a child, or physical abuse by a partner or any of those things that get people gasping, speechless, fumbling for words of sympathy.
does this make my plight any less heavier?
well i believe it is completely acceptable to concede defeat along the way
it's alright to completely miss the mark some times, at the very least it makes life's twist and turns seem interesting (laughable,almost)..
anyway,
just yet another thought passing through my head...

day 5

well been away for a while,
not evading writing a word a day
in fact
i've been stashing more than a word a day

but before i jot
those down....

song in my ear today,
correction,
lyrics on my mind:

"sticks and stones
may break my bones,
but tears don't leave any scars
so i'm alright
i've been lonely before.." - madeleine peyroux, i'm alright

and on and on...
happy words,
hopeful words,
i seem to think so, at least

brewingirritation

seriously, 7.30am on a sunday! for work?
i'm not THAT much of a workaholic
the airport
on a sunday morning
crap crap
well, i don't have a choice, i guess...
there i was hoping to be still running around
sleep in late
maybe have a good breakfast
instead of crappy, packaged airplane breakfasts
in fact, it is so a non-breakfast
bad airconditioning
all that shoving
and mounting stairs
luggage trolleys
to top it all up
travelling with annoying
much, much younger colleagues
never mind the fact that i have to spend the rest of the week
stuck with them
in bloody johannesburg
i also have to spend my sunday morning
with them too?
i'd rather be sleeping
ok i'm going to calm down
sleep it off... hehehe
fat chance

day 4

beatbeat

thump thump
bobbing my head
to this
beat beat
my feet going
tap tap
thump thump
bass going
thud thud
like a drum banging
deep inside my chest
thump thump
this beat beat
got my feet going
tap tap
this
b
e
a
t
b
e
a
t

day 3

Swingingrightintothebeat
yeah well
i really do believe
my music soul belongs in the 30s
really
it does
how else do you explain the tortured artist thing?
ok I suppose being a prodigy - in some intricate indigenous african music instrument - is probably a key requirement
but still
i do have a good singing voice, seriously, listen to me swing frank sinatra
all those years of classical music theory,figured-out harmonies,chord progressions have killed any ounce of spontaneous bursting-out-into-song
that improvised, impromptu thing
meantime let me find some inspiration... billie holiday? ella fitzgerald?
maybe some madeleine peyroux,
maybe that big band sound...

day 2

deepinmynavel
in
out
around
bent backwards
forwards
till my neck cannot stretch anymore
head stuck
deep,
deep
in my navel
i can hardly see the world pass me by.
inane conversations
between head and heart
mind traffic
and i claim to be free

radiohead?!

onlyradioheadinmindtoday

everything in its right place
for sure

songinmyear

diana krall's pick yourself up

day 1

outonthebay

looking out over the bay

i wonder...

could it be?

thought i could live without the music

touched.

in recesses so deep

dark as still pools at night

counting back my steps

how did i get here?