continuing the madness

for as long as i can remember,
my father has always been this strong, quiet presence in my life.
reliable and just there...
our relationship isn't what i would call close...
but we are at the same time...
he'd dispensed advice (even when not to ask for it)
at the right times...
or at times when i simply didn't want to hear that a certain friend isn't good for me
or if a man isn't good enough for me...
the one thing that has always made him so reliable, now that i think about it,
is that he has always been of sound mind...
his memory has started deteriorating
there are days when he doesn't even remember who i am..
i see that he gets frustrated with himself, because he knows there is something wrong but he just can't recall what it is..
this has been difficult for me to accept...
not only has it meant that i have had to adjust my life so that i can be around him..
he is just not my old, reliable dad
he now needs me...
i don't know how to be there for him without being angry,
without taking it personally when he is so frustrated and lashes out at me, this strange person who lives in his house...
it's the little things that get me...
trying to live in a way that won't remind him of this "problem"... that he can no longer rely on himself...
that he needs me more than i need him... and mostly that he can't give me as much as he would like...
i watch him sleep and pray that he will be released from his body and mind...