not a single day goes by
when i don't think of you
wondering where you are
if you can see me...
i miss our silly chats
i miss just knowing that you
are somewhere thinking up ways to irritate me
how do i get on now?
without you
i don't know how

grief

i never understood it
the need to visit the grave
talking to dead people
i thought they were crazy
but now i am that person
that person who longs to visit him
that person who wishes for a "sign" that he is there
that he sees me
that he hears me
that he is listening
i am that person
who calls him
when i know that he won't pick up..
i never understood it
that grief could grip you so hard
to a point where you can't feel
to a point where you somehow hope that it is all a bad, bad dream
to a point where you surrender yourself to the universe
because you have no clue how you're going to feel tomorrow
walking around like the world is a blur
blinded by all these tears
how did i become this person?
death touches us all...
lets it presence known...

i simply don't care

the state of the world doesn't interest me at all today
i don't care what is happening out there
the pain in my heart is so heavy i can hardly breathe...
to lose a child
is more painful than giving birth to him...

collecting anger

i hadn't noticed that all along,
i've been walking around with this,
in fact i have been afraid to name "this"...
until that day, we sat and talked..
i hadn't noticed that the tears were there
...
i am ready to point to it.
this heaviness that's been exhausting my bones.
it was nothing you said that had me weeping,
it was all mine...
this...
it's everywhere..
i can't find my peace...

continuing the madness

for as long as i can remember,
my father has always been this strong, quiet presence in my life.
reliable and just there...
our relationship isn't what i would call close...
but we are at the same time...
he'd dispensed advice (even when not to ask for it)
at the right times...
or at times when i simply didn't want to hear that a certain friend isn't good for me
or if a man isn't good enough for me...
the one thing that has always made him so reliable, now that i think about it,
is that he has always been of sound mind...
his memory has started deteriorating
there are days when he doesn't even remember who i am..
i see that he gets frustrated with himself, because he knows there is something wrong but he just can't recall what it is..
this has been difficult for me to accept...
not only has it meant that i have had to adjust my life so that i can be around him..
he is just not my old, reliable dad
he now needs me...
i don't know how to be there for him without being angry,
without taking it personally when he is so frustrated and lashes out at me, this strange person who lives in his house...
it's the little things that get me...
trying to live in a way that won't remind him of this "problem"... that he can no longer rely on himself...
that he needs me more than i need him... and mostly that he can't give me as much as he would like...
i watch him sleep and pray that he will be released from his body and mind...

accepting/accept/acceptance

the word (s) for today: accept/accepting/acceptance.
often accepting is seen as a weakness
but from now on,
i vow to embrace it
tie it around my chest.
why?
i am learning that to accept means letting go,
being ok with the fact that
i am making mistakes, colossal ones, at times
but that's life isn't it?
i make mistakes as a mother
i make mistakes as a daughter
i make mistakes as a sister
i make mistakes as an aunt
i've made mistakes as a lover
and in so many other roles that define me,
i have made bad judgements
i have also done good
and i should accept the credit that's due...
in my accepting, i confirm to myself
that i agree, that i take ownership of the direction my life is taking....

midnight at the oasis

wow, man...
there are so many memories from way back way
linked to all this good (according to me) music....
bumping to The Brand New Heavies!
am definitely no slave to one genre...
though i will confess to being a captive to the beat...
bring it all on!!!