child gone

my dear darling,

it still feels like yesterday when i could touch, see and talk to you.
now all i have are memories of a time when i was also young and impressionable, a time i didn't realise that i would have to recall just to keep you alive. i mistakenly assumed we'd be around each other much longer than the 19 years you were alive.

i watch as time passes by and the intensity of the pain just doesn't seem to be subsiding. instead, i find i am stuck wondering.... holding on...

your loss has left me speechless, still... pain used to be a source of inspiration, a space that allowed me to wallow and write with a flow that happy never seems to bring... but now, silence seems best. this kind of pain wants me to sit down and listen to it... threatens to paralyse me when i least expect it... how can i draw inspiration from that?

pain and loss now have a new name in my head - they are permanent reminders of you... i have gained new respect for them..

still, the thought of you is a mixture of nostalgia with a dash of tearful reminiscing...

meaning of nothingness

is it emptiness?
is it clarity?
one moment of sudden realisation?
how do you know when nothing's left?
how do you bring it back?
can nothingness even respond?
is it meant to jolt you into action?
is it an eye opener?
should it lead to something?

passing by

and so I decide to finally jot down a few words,
I realise that it's the second month of the year
where did all that time go?
won't be chasing minutes though...
just grateful that I am still breathing,
still here to savour the sun,
feel the breeze waft over my skin...
passing through

the day before

drifting
with sand between my toes
reminds me of good times...
while floating,
bobbing along on this dreamy cloudlessness
takes me back, for sure..
throttling forward,
maybe in between the pockets of waterholes
there is a message...
hidden.

festive blues

i stood near your grave the other day
it felt empty
your name is fading on the cross
we had no words to say
because the pain is still so loud in our hearts

i stood in your room
it felt cold
i couldn't imagine you in it
we had no words to say
because the pain is still so loud in our hearts

i carry you with me
as we near our favourite family time of the year
it will be hard, i can already see it
we will have no words to say
about your obvious physical absence amongst us
but we will hold on to the fact that your spirit will be around us...

while i wasn't looking

while i wasn't looking
my heart finally caught up with my head...
left clutching at the feeling
last time, i checked it was there
but when i dug yesterday
there was a bottomless hole
where you used to be...

while i wasn't looking
the wound finally healed...
the air, the salt, the water
finally mended it...
because when i felt for it yesterday
there was no more pain
where it used to be...

something dark by lemn sissay

spent my saturday evening (well, a little bit of it)
in a dark theatre in Newtown, Johannesburg.
i had read a passing review of Lemn Sissay's Something Dark
and i just had to go and see it.
true enough, it was gripping, sad and left me wondering about family.

wondering what it would have been like to grow up without family
no one to call you on your birthday
being a ward of the state
finding out your real name at the age of 18
discovering you're a product of rape at the age of 22
finding out that your father (for whom you probably have the most questions) is dead
imagine...

thanks to him though, i now have many thoughts running through my head
thoughts i can hopefully turn into prose
or poetry
....